I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize