Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
