I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
