Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
