It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm too high and old for this...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
