Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
