So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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