have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
