so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
