new low.... made out with someone while peeing
two words...techno handjob
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
