I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
