carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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