I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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