he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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