this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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