it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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