the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
