it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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