Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
