Duck Duck Cougar?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
