Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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