he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
