the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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