i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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