census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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