It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
