He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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