Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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