2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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