some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
