Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
