The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
