broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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