sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
