So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
