Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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