I wanna passion pit in your ass
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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