please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
