this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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