I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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