i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize