You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
