i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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