I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
