I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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