I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
