If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
