Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
