I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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