I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
