When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
