Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
