I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
