it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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