Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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