Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
